skinless heart

first day back home from russia -- though where my home is remains painfully undefined
came back a tangled mess of emotions --- 
it feels like i have no skin, no superficial membranes to contain and protect me ---
--- brain in a hazy fog as if addled by a psychotropic chemical --
though the only one i have taken so far is caffeine
cannot tell if i've lost or gained something or if there's an internal change
mildly amused that my ribcage can withstand such ungodly pressures
i wish i could take a snapshot of what's inside it
take a look through a magnifying glass and explain to myself
what is really going on

cardiectomy

senseless cold indifference
unforgiving, mechanical, immortal
no collateral circulation
no fear, no love, no doubt --
-- nothing to create, only do destroy moments later
in a fit of frustration --
-- nothing to agonize over --
machine replacing living breathing tissue
bottomless pupils stare unblinking
in unrelieved retinal rivalry
rotating gears, gliding blades, tangled wires
stroboscopic seizures
failing hemostasis -- receding pain --
last flicker of consciousness
it all fades away

Slow forward

Got on a wrong bus now wondering if there was a reason for that
was it to listen to the ear splitting wail
of the ghost train gliding through Encinitas
or to get the local papers ---
-- I usually pick those up on Friday on the way back home
from Escondido ---
but I'm not going there tomorrow
a tiny detour of the daily routine --
-- minute revision of the same ol ferret's wheel rotation
and I bypass a tedious multi-bus commute --
but also skip going through the Encinitas transit station for this week
except that somehow I find myself here now
-- it seems like coming to this transit station is inevitable
at least once weekly
why is that?

perrla

i was born one half middle eastern and one half slavic and my parents capped it off with a scandinavian name which i hate to this day.

my psychiatric profile is in initial stages of deconstruction and realignment of broken fragments... a good size sliver of OCD, the perfectionism i wish i didn't have yet i don't know any other way...
a touch of ADD, an even more generous touch of GAD - anxiety lining every lumen and occasionally flaring into a full-on paranoia: what if? or what if not? got me in the stranglehold. nothing a minor neuroleptic wouldn't fix.

i tend to be mostly dysthymic, sometimes cyclothymic, stubborn beyond any reason, and seem to be perceived as anti-social by quite a few people, which is only partially true. i can't stand crowds and idle "small talk" and generally prefer to be by myself, but at the same time to have a living soul "just around the corner." ... my obsessions are insidious, consumptive and deep. they involve people, things, countries, languages and especially -- and most significantly --- music and musicians. i often overthink and overfeel things, oscillating between being super-analytical and ridiculously irrational. i am incurably nerdy and at the same time just as incurably romantic, and i don't see this as a contradiction.

i fall in love often and easily, the unfortunate trait i wish i could disown. it seems like my heart can't live without a tenant in at least one chamber, and as soon as the old tenant fades into a wispy ghost it slinks outside like a prostitute and comes back with a new one. oftentimes they never even find out that they've been given these new headquarters. especially if it's someone who never existed in the first place.

uncircumsribed

benadryl or wine?
i need something with a guaranteed somniferous effect
it's the dawn of my birthday
my happy happy birthday
so happy i want to sleep right through it

star-range

strangest date tomorrow, indeed not so much a date in the traditional sense --- more like a meet up to go to a gig as there's absolutely nada romantic interest involved...
however...
the person who invited me and will be my ride to the venue and back
is the drummer of the very band i've been quite insanely in love with
for the last 12-some years...
somehow i don't feel excited as i probably should be
shouldn't i?
i just feel strange ---
detached, unattached, like watching from the outside --
i guess strange really is the best way to put it
very strange

neutrophilia

every bone aches... i must be full of bands... like casbah on a friday night