the wizards of...

ok, sooo..... why?!!!
why oz?
well, the obvious answer is --- steven. yeah, it's him, and it's all his fault. entirely... that devil!
however, it seems he might have been merely a trigger. a catalyst --- the one who stirs the trouble and walks away whistling, while the trouble continues brewing all on its own.
seriously, just over a year ago the continent barely existed on the periphery of my consciousness. put on a spot, even now i still couldn't draw the map of oz from memory. but it's drawing me in, and --- funny thing --- i feel almost as thrilled as i was at the age of 10 when astronomy overtook my life completely. i remember a feeling of falling into some radiant glorious void, weightless and mesmerized. it was pure breathtaking concentrated magic...
for an adult it's probably near impossible to re-live such experience in all its intensity.. though i feel like i'm getting pretty damn close.
if only it wasn't so bloody far away!!!!!

skinless heart

first day back home from russia -- though where my home is remains painfully undefined
came back a tangled mess of emotions --- 
it feels like i have no skin, no superficial membranes to contain and protect me ---
--- brain in a hazy fog as if addled by a psychotropic chemical --
though the only one i have taken so far is caffeine
cannot tell if i've lost or gained something or if there's an internal change
mildly amused that my ribcage can withstand such ungodly pressures
i wish i could take a snapshot of what's inside it
take a look through a magnifying glass and explain to myself
what is really going on

cardiectomy

senseless cold indifference
unforgiving, mechanical, immortal
no collateral circulation
no fear, no love, no doubt --
-- nothing to create, only do destroy moments later
in a fit of frustration --
-- nothing to agonize over --
machine replacing living breathing tissue
bottomless pupils stare unblinking
in unrelieved retinal rivalry
rotating gears, gliding blades, tangled wires
stroboscopic seizures
failing hemostasis -- receding pain --
last flicker of consciousness
it all fades away