ピアノゾンビ

i have no intention whatsoever to survive the zombie apocalypse.
i submit to it willingly.
i love it.

the wizards of...

ok, sooo..... why?!!!
why oz?
well, the obvious answer is --- steven. yeah, it's him, and it's all his fault. entirely... that devil!
however, it seems he might have been merely a trigger. a catalyst --- the one who stirs the trouble and walks away whistling, while the trouble continues brewing all on its own.
seriously, just over a year ago the continent barely existed on the periphery of my consciousness. put on a spot, even now i still couldn't draw the map of oz from memory. but it's drawing me in, and --- funny thing --- i feel almost as thrilled as i was at the age of 10 when astronomy overtook my life completely. i remember a feeling of falling into some radiant glorious void, weightless and mesmerized. it was pure breathtaking concentrated magic...
for an adult it's probably near impossible to re-live such experience in all its intensity.. though i feel like i'm getting pretty damn close.
if only it wasn't so bloody far away!!!!!

skinless heart

first day back home from russia -- though where my home is remains painfully undefined
came back a tangled mess of emotions --- 
it feels like i have no skin, no superficial membranes to contain and protect me ---
--- brain in a hazy fog as if addled by a psychotropic chemical --
though the only one i have taken so far is caffeine
cannot tell if i've lost or gained something or if there's an internal change
mildly amused that my ribcage can withstand such ungodly pressures
i wish i could take a snapshot of what's inside it
take a look through a magnifying glass and explain to myself
what is really going on

cardiectomy

senseless cold indifference
unforgiving, mechanical, immortal
no collateral circulation
no fear, no love, no doubt --
-- nothing to create, only do destroy moments later
in a fit of frustration --
-- nothing to agonize over --
machine replacing living breathing tissue
bottomless pupils stare unblinking
in unrelieved retinal rivalry
rotating gears, gliding blades, tangled wires
stroboscopic seizures
failing hemostasis -- receding pain --
last flicker of consciousness
it all fades away

Slow forward

Got on a wrong bus now wondering if there was a reason for that
was it to listen to the ear splitting wail
of the ghost train gliding through Encinitas
or to get the local papers ---
-- I usually pick those up on Friday on the way back home
from Escondido ---
but I'm not going there tomorrow
a tiny detour of the daily routine --
-- minute revision of the same ol ferret's wheel rotation
and I bypass a tedious multi-bus commute --
but also skip going through the Encinitas transit station for this week
except that somehow I find myself here now
-- it seems like coming to this transit station is inevitable
at least once weekly
why is that?

perrla

i was born one half middle eastern and one half slavic and my parents capped it off with a scandinavian name which i hate to this day.

my psychiatric profile is in initial stages of deconstruction and realignment of broken fragments... a good size sliver of OCD, the perfectionism i wish i didn't have yet i don't know any other way...
a touch of ADD, an even more generous touch of GAD - anxiety lining every lumen and occasionally flaring into a full-on paranoia: what if? or what if not? got me in the stranglehold. nothing a minor neuroleptic wouldn't fix.

i tend to be mostly dysthymic, sometimes cyclothymic, stubborn beyond any reason, and seem to be perceived as anti-social by quite a few people, which is only partially true. i can't stand crowds and idle "small talk" and generally prefer to be by myself, but at the same time to have a living soul "just around the corner." ... my obsessions are insidious, consumptive and deep. they involve people, things, countries, languages and especially -- and most significantly --- music and musicians. i often overthink and overfeel things, oscillating between being super-analytical and ridiculously irrational. i am incurably nerdy and at the same time just as incurably romantic, and i don't see this as a contradiction.

i fall in love often and easily, the unfortunate trait i wish i could disown. it seems like my heart can't live without a tenant in at least one chamber, and as soon as the old tenant fades into a wispy ghost it slinks outside like a prostitute and comes back with a new one. oftentimes they never even find out that they've been given these new headquarters. especially if it's someone who never existed in the first place.

uncircumsribed

benadryl or wine?
i need something with a guaranteed somniferous effect
it's the dawn of my birthday
my happy happy birthday
so happy i want to sleep right through it